Surrounded

Question of the day - what do you surround yourself with? And why?

My answers are easy and hard at the same time. I surround myself with dogs. As any crazy dog lady would. And flowers, faith and awe.  I've been surrounded by sorrow and while I embrace it, I look forward to a time it is not a constant shadow. "What if" questions trail me daily usually followed by "I had".  What if I had, or what if I hadn't? In time, I trust, there will be less looking back, less regret. More looking forward, more trusting forward.

I/we/you need to surround ourselves with more laughter, more acceptance, more time in the moment. When I slow down enough to be in this moment I hear the birds singing, the hum of the washing machine, see the corn blowing in the breeze, hear the sound of a dog snoring. I wrap myself in this moment and it is good.

Over the weekend I was wrapped in sorrow as the day of our wedding anniversary came and went. I knew it would be hard, and I knew I'd need to be gentle with myself. Sometimes we need to surround ourselves very gently with compassion. I also know the upcoming holiday will be hard, they all are in this chapter of my life. Again, I'll welcome the tears and the healing they provide.

What if we did that? What if we surrounded ourselves with compassion? What if we narrowed our focus to this moment, this day. And in that moment we find the good, the kindness, the joy...even if we are in a time of sorrow. Even if we are in transition, even if we are afraid. Even if. By narrowing our focus we can surround ourselves with the graces, large and small, that are there for us all.

Asking For Help

I discovered something about myself recently, and it ties directly into the sorrows in my life. I've realized how hard it is to ask for help.  Recent suicides of famous people have many talking about just reaching out for help. Of not being afraid to ask for help. Help is available, it is, of that I have no doubt.  Owning that you can't do something yourself is what holds us up.

My needs are smaller, less catastrophic, and still they are a hurdle. I need help with getting my weed whacker started. I know, it's laughable in a way. I can't get the push mower to start, hence the burning desire to get the weed whacker started. I've asked my son, who gave me long distance directions, I've checked YouTube video's, and I'm still stuck. I need someone with a big tractor to mow the ditch on the north side of the lane. I'm not willing to test my ability to tow the riding mower out of the ditch if I get it stuck. And I'm not willing to risk tipping it over. My kids love that I have that built in sense of self preservation. I need to get past the mind set that when life gets difficult I'll just work harder and live with less. Working harder and going without closes the doors to blessings from an abundant God. Certainly the God of seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive will do the happy dance as I find my voice to ask for help.

So I'm throwing it out there. I need help. I need help in connectivity, in reaching out and owning I can't do it all alone. I need help in owning that hard times also are opportunities to grow more, not just do with less. I need to share when life is hard instead of struggling alone. I need to lean in. I need to trust. Especially when the tendency is to back off and isolate. So there it is, I owned it. I hope you can too, where ever you are in life.

Before me....and, Behind Me

In all my dreams of life, of where it would take me, of what it would hold, losing someone to suicide never entered my mind.  Now that it is my reality it will never leave my mind. This, however, is what I have learned....

I have been gifted with others who have walked this path before me. They are like a life line of sorts. They get the reality, and I can say...did you feel...? does it ever...? How do I...? Why didn't I...? When does it...? How can I...?

No doubt those who have ventured down any crushing path in life can relate. Having kindred spirits ahead of you, and yes, behind you makes all the difference. The kindred spirits, become a unique part of your support system.

There are more of us out there than most people know.  So many experience the loss to suicide in some way, shape or form. So few share their experience.  Luckily I've connected with several who walk my walk, but started before me.
And luckily, I've connected with one so far, who walks behind me. I don't have  the answers to a loss that comes with a bazillion questions. I do have a little experience which is valuable to someone with no experience.

I don't know the name of the lady who walks behind me. I met her through work, I see her in the store. If I never know her name, it won't matter. All that matters is that we share pain. She knows she can lean on me whenever our paths cross.  I know I can lean on those ahead of me, and support those behind me. Others will join in as I connect in life and because of death. Therein lies the grace, and I'm counting that as a win.

Practicing The Pause

If nothing else, I feel like my life has been on pause for these last 8 months. Well, life as I knew it has. Those of us who have lost a loved one to suicide wake up from the shock, the fog, the pain and realize they have to reinvent themselves. The old you is no where to be found. Traces remain, but basically, if a person chooses to, they have to rebuild from the ground up.

How else to learn except by practicing. And, then pausing when necessary to get your balance.

I still struggle with isolation. It still hurts when no one says how was your weekend. And I never know when some one says "how are you" if they really mean "how are YOU?", or if they are merely making polite conversation.  Often I'll say fine, good...and know that that is not always  my reality. It's hard to talk about grief, no one feels comfortable with it. Some just will not try because it is uncomfortable. At this stage of life there is more uncomfortable, than comfortable. And, I know, it won't always be this way.  There in lies the grace.

I hate going to social events alone. I hate that people know why I'm going alone. There is that stigma raising it's ugly head. I push myself to go, and while it's not always easy, I do push through. I find I am more introverted.  I haven't lost my laugh, it's there somewhere. I have to feel safe to let it out.

I feel like I need to search the radar for others struggling with life. Just in case someone needs a life line, and by some grace of God, I can offer one. I am eternally grateful for those who are my constant life line.

So I practice the pause. I honor the semicolons in life. The times you have to pause as you find your footing again. I pray for those who lost their footing and chose to let go of life. I pray for those who heal from their decisions. It's not a place I ever thought I'd be. But it's life, so I embrace it.

Girl Friends

Raise your hand if your head is held above water by your girlfriends. See that person jumping up down waving their hands? Yup, that's me. Thankful ever so thankful for girlfriends.

Let me list some of them. There is the one who texts me multiple times a day, every day. There is the one who chats with me on Facebook literally every night. There are the coworker friends, past and present. There are friends who bring me leftovers. Friends who talk dogs to me. Pet therapy friends. A friend who I met because I loved consignment shopping, and she owned the store. She is also one who helped me store my sanity, among other things, when it was in danger for a while. I have friends who paint by my side. Who are always ready to share a bottle of wine. Who give me open invitations to holler if I need something. Friends who have walked my same journey and assure me I'll survive.

Sometimes I feel alone in life. It's been rugged for quite some time. But then I stop to count my friends. I don't have to see them daily, most times I'm lucky to see them monthly. Sometimes it's months between visits, or longer. Still they are there beside me.

Take a look at those who sustain you, those you are safe to laugh and cry with, those who light up your world with friendship and laughter. Then give thanks. We couldn't do life without them. So, thank you dear friends, thank you.

All Around Us

Ever notice how you see things in multiples? You think about buying a red car, and you see red cars everywhere. You fall in love with a lab puppy, and you see lab puppies all over. It is about heightened awareness.  For someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you become uber aware of others losses to suicide.  

I read somewhere this week that at least 6 peoples lives are completely changed from the loss of someone to suicide. Irrevocably changed, at least 6, sometimes more.  It's not something you get over, at best it's something you get through. Each day it's a different challenge. Some days you hold on by the thinnest thread, some days you step forward, sometimes you step back, some days you merely huddle until you can move again.

Thus far, I find the isolation so difficult. No one speaks of Gordon, or the choice that took his life. No one speaks of the good memories, although I hope sometime they will. It is like a whole section of life vanished as if it never existed. I myself struggle with talking about it so I take responsibility as well.

It's not something that happens only to some people, it is all around us. Like those red cars and lab puppies, but infinitely painful. I am being led by faith down this road. I will write about it, and as this type of loss is all around us, I hope to ease another's pain by owning and sharing the journey.  

Broken Open

Ever notice how when someone asks if you need anything, if you need help, that our first instinct is to say no.  At least, I'm this way. It's okay, I've got it. No, I don't need anything. I'll often go without, or do it myself later, and let the offer go. Not that I didn't appreciate the offer, I just have trouble accepting the offer. And yet, I love when I can help someone else. Why can't I love when someone wants to help me? Sometimes I'll go back and say, on second thought, I could really use this, or that. Thank God for second thoughts and second chances.

I read a fabulous line a a book recently. It said "You can be broken or broken open. That choice is yours." God bless Erica Bauermeister for that wisdom.  Last I checked all of us get broken at some point in our lives.  But it's the broken open part that provides the grace. 

It involves two parts. First we have to acknowledge the broken, and then we have to embrace being open. 

Think of a time someone said, let me know if I can ever help. That's a tough favor to call in if it's been forever ago. Even if it was yesterday, or last week or months ago. When we are really broken it's hard to be open.  We hide behind the broken, because it's discomfort is at least familiar.  Ahhh, to warm up to being broken open. To acknowledge growth need not be self isolating. Growth involves nurturing from our selves and others.  

Others nurture by virtue of helping. Which in turn heals the broken. Which are you right now? Are you in a broken season, or are you embracing being broken open? Or are you willing to help the broken? Twice recently I initially said no. One to a long standing offer for help, and one a recent offer for help.  Twice I've chosen to break open and say yes, be there for me.  

If we have to be broken, be broken open. I wish that for me, and for you. I wish that for all of us.