Give it UP

Whenever I come up short on something, I have two go to responses. Try harder to make up the deficit.  Or give up something of value to make up the difference. Both of those approaches presume that I have all the power, when in fact I have precious little. Instead of trusting first I attempt to fix the situation. Dang, that is exhausting.

I know I need a different approach. I know what it should be. I need to give it up. Yet, I often forget, or lack faith, or don't want to let go and let God.

Who's with me on this? Time and time again I've seen the bigger plan fall into place. I've seen the blessings that came from traumatic times. I've felt the grace. I've received gifts, made connections, been spared pain, been removed from harm's way, felt the love, shed the tears, shared the laughter, been wrapped in comfort. I've found a way to pay the bills, to care for my needs, to make the changes necessary. Still, I attempt to try my way first. When I get out of my own way miracles happen. 

I do have to laugh at the irony of all this. I know about ask and you shall receive. I do. Nowhere it is written try harder, try longer, go without, you have the power. Not. Definitely not. Yet I falter. Owning it is the first step.

So, for all of us who are floundering the good news is we are not alone. We are in fact a very large group of humans having human moments that we wish we could fix. My challenge, perhaps yours too, is to set it down. Release, trust, take a deep breath and give it up. So that the greater good can come to pass. And it will. It will, it will, I trust it will.

World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day

Nobody pays much attention to days like today. Unless you have experienced a loss to suicide. Such a loss changes you, shifts your path in life, alters your reality. It leaves us perpetually wondering what could have been done differently. What can one person do to promote awareness of mental health issues? How do we reduce the stigma so that those suffering can reach out for help? How do we find ways to connect to those who have experienced a loss?

If only I had all the answers. It's a tough subject. It's hard to own. My guess is many of us have experience with loss by suicide. If not firsthand, then you know of someone who has. What if though, we talked about it openly? What if we acknowledged the date, or even the month of the loss? What if we didn't talk about survivors but talked to them. Awkward?? Uh huh. Sure is. What if instead of saying you are always so strong people understood those grieving don't have a choice. We didn't ask for this, we sure as heck don't want to be here. We may be tenacious, we may be lifted by our faith, we may be relentless in finding new meaning in life. But we don't feel strong, nor does that phrase give comfort.

What we are is broken and finding our footing day in and day out. We are always aware of the events that unfolded. We are not invisible, though it often feels like it. The further out we get doesn't necessarily make it better, just different. Even we find it hard to talk about. So, I totally get why others struggle with it too.

So, I challenge myself, and I challenge you to find the words to talk about mental health and suicide. To know that it's okay to not be okay. That pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. To know that we all need help to get through life. Help comes in many forms and bears no shame. Ask for help, offer help. Say the hard words. Are you okay, how can I help, tell me more. 

Hold My Hand

There are times in life were our world shifts off its axis and we sorely need someone to be by our side. It happens to all of us. Sometimes we are in a position to ask for help. We call a family member, we reach out to a girlfriend, a neighbor, a coworker. Our support system wraps their arms around us, and when the time comes, we return the favor in kind. It's a lifeline, a safety net, a safe port in a storm. Sometimes we need that, sometimes we are that.

Sometimes life places you in the right place at the right time and you are called upon to be that person for a complete stranger. I know, I know, sometimes we look the other way when we see life being messy for someone else. We offer a silent prayer and figure that is good enough. We may pretend we don't see what's going on. We may think, not my problem, not my responsibility. 

If ever there was a place to witness those in need it is a hospital emergency room. Everyone is in their own bubble of pain and misery. You wait, you wonder, you observe. What's their story? What's their issue? You wait and wait and wait. You see the beginning of, or the middle of the story, but rarely the end. 

What if though, you are nudged by some greater power to connect with one of them? Do you respond to the nudge or dismiss it? Responding involves stepping out of your pain to be open to someone else's. It is responding in kindness with no expectations. It is witnessing someone's obvious distress and stepping outside of anonymity to establish connection. It is saying, I see you are alone would you like to sit with us. It is holding the hand of someone scared not knowing the outcome. But trusting you're offering a life preserver of some sort. Somewhere out there is a woman named Janet whose husband Scott suffered a traumatic injury. In the waiting and wondering in a life-or-death situation two people opened arms to her, becoming a surrogate support system. Two people felt the nudge and responded. They stood in the moment to hold another's hand.

May we all be that person. May we fill that need when it arises. We never know when we will be a Janet in her time of need.

National Dog Day

Years ago - 1999 maybe? Life changed and the kids and I needed a big dose of unconditional love. For years I bought into the theory that "we" weren't home enough to have a dog. Here is the first lesson. Only you get to decide what works and doesn't work in your life. 

Next lesson, follow your bliss. I didn't know much about dogs back then. I knew puppies were cute. I now know puppies are work. I didn't know senior dogs bring a humbling sort of love, with gnarly faces and grateful hearts. I didn't know the satisfaction of doing pet therapy visits at the hospital. I didn't know fostering would bring 30+ dogs into my heart and home.

All I knew is a little yellow lab puppy named Abby seemed like a good way to go. So I jumped in with a hopeful heart. I was being led to a better life. That happens after a crises of some sort. If we are open to the pain and the path, good things come our way.

So on National Dog day I give thanks for Abby, Fancy, Mickey, Kobe, Mr. Hanky, Layla, Hobbs, Gunther, Max and Maxx. As well as Jackson, Buddy, Bo, Pete, Sidney, Sophie, Bailey, Jesse, Addy, Cooper, Wallace, Buck, Queenie, JR, Chucker, Lil Bit, Limon, Ryder, Stella, Gunner, Charlie, Cooper, and Lady. Dogs have been very very good to me.

Granted all these lovely pups have walked my path over the course of many years. Not all at once, lol. Because hoarding is frowned upon. In the course of helping with rescue dogs, I have been rescued myself. I have learned, there is always room for one more. Shit happens, as does dog shit. I move fastest when a dog sounds ready to vomit. Healing is a slow beautiful thing. Faith is as nourishing as a dog biscuits. And last but not least, they will always give me more than I can give them. Follow your bliss, the blessings will follow. Hopefully, thankfully, with four paws.

Logic and Emotion

I had a choice to make. I could see it logically. Logically, it was plain and simple. Eventually, I realized I had to wrestle through the emotional side of it. Emotions can weigh so heavy and muddy the water. You know it's muddy. It takes time to figure out why. Some muddy can be felt but not seen.

It boiled down to a situation of either holding on or of letting go. I don't know about you, but letting go takes so much energy. Letting go means I need to trust that my needs will be met even when what worked before changes. It means I have to believe I'm not being left alone. It means I need to be open to a new way to do things, even if, especially if, I loved the way they were done before. 

Emotionally I had to let go of one more piece of a life I loved. It wasn't the thing in question that mattered. It was the heart string that tied it all together. So when I saw the heart string unraveling I knew what muddied the water. And yes, I cried. For changes I never asked for. For decisions I had no say in. For knowing the logical thing to do even when emotionally it hurt to do so. There are many moments in life that fit that equation.

Letting go is hard no matter how you approach it. Emotions are hard until you feel and release them. Sometimes they are hard even after you do. That's ok. That's life. In a way it's progress. Something is released, so something new can enter. I don't know what the new is or how it will look......I just have to have faith in the process.

Voices That Repeat Themselves

Who knew about wireless smoke detectors with voices? Voices??? What the hell. Because seriously, a low battery chirp is not enough??  Now, in all fairness we likely all have voices we hear. Real ones, imaginary ones, voices in our head of worry and stress. Voices that alert us to fear, hopefully voices that soothe our fears. Silent voices that move us in the directions we need to go, but don't even realize it.

However, the voice from the wireless smoke detector at the top of the cathedral ceiling freaked the hell out of me. First because I didn't know it had that capability. A booming voice seeming out of no where that at first was impossible to understand. Followed by intermittent chirping and the search for which of six smoke detectors had the issue. No, I didn't place six detectors in the house, they came with the house. Six seems excessive for the size of the home. I pulled the offending detector and couldn't figure out how to open the back to get the batteries out. So as I was on my way out, I deposited it in the garage to muffle the chirping. Putting things that irritate us away from sight/sound only delays the inevitable. We have to deal, eventually, with the chirps in our life.

Imagine my surprise in the middle of the night when the voice from above belted out again. By then my kneejerk What The Hell response was bordering on a WTF response, except I try to keep that verbage out of my vocabulary. Three hours later it repeated itself. I finally understood, after my heart started beating again, "batteries low - utility room". Pretty sure the first two times it was just clearing its throat to increase its diction. 

Now, the voice from above was more distressing to me than the chirping was to the dogs. Either way, we were called multiple times to tend to something needing attention. Isn't that just like life? Sometimes we get the message from above the first time. Sometimes we need a voice that repeat repeats itself. In all cases we are called to respond. We need to heed the call and do just that. 

Paths

Eleven years ago a couple gathered their friends, and family to celebrate beginning a life together. Many couples may have done the exact same thing. They looked forward with hope, faith, and with anyone's guess on how life will play out. They may have been fully committed. Or deep down only partially committed, but 100% hopeful. Either way they turned down a path to build a life together. Kudos to those still walking that path.

Paths are rarely easy, hardly ever straightforward, often grueling, although sometimes they meander through soft spots and lovely places. There are crossroads to be navigated, choices to be made, growth to be experienced.

I firmly believe in committed relationships and marriage. I have friends celebrating fifty years together, and others just beginning. No one knows how those journeys will unfold. People change, plans change, priorities shift, growth happens, sometimes illness changes the trajectory of life. 

I struggle with feeling like I failed in marriage. Did I make mistakes, uh huh. Did I communicate as well as I needed to, nope. Owning it is the first step. Was I committed, yup, twice. Did I choose to grow? Yes, in retrospect, not as quickly as I should have, but definitely according to the bigger plan. Funny how growth takes as long as it takes when you are willing. And it takes forever when you are not.

Life does not go as planned. I am often surprised at how much better it goes than anticipated. All the while grieving how much worse it went than expected. We can feel multiple things at the same time. 

I would not be where I am without those commitments. So many good things came from them.They came in the form of children, friends, life experiences, growth, and yes, regret and sorrow. Life is like that. We chose to set out on a path full of faith and hope. Along the way, in all the circumstances, we are blessed. Just not in ways we expect.