Life Is Hard, Life Is Lovely

I have to wonder sometimes if I will ever fully regain joy and enthusiasm. Was that taken from me on the roads of life? Was it a thing of youth?  Do you ever feel this way? I know life is hard, I know I am blessed beyond measure. I know I have more than I ever imagined, more than I deserve. Still sometimes sadness tips the scale.

Then I wonder am I where I need to be, doing what I'm meant to do? I referenced that recently and a friend immediately said, oh yes you are. You were meant to be right here with us. I loved her immediate affirmation. I need to remember that. I know that the biggest moments in life can be miniscule in scope yet enormous in impact. Such is the juxtaposition of life. That said who doesn't need more affirmation?

I am not a thrill seeker, or a risk taker. I really lead a quiet life. Sometimes too quiet, but hey, I am an introvert by nature. A creature of habit. So, I am trying to do new things, or old things differently. Small things that only I will know are different. Little changes in routine, small indulgences to mix it up. It is a conscious effort to experience life differently. Perhaps the key is to really experience life. Be in the moment. I sometimes get lost in moments long gone.

Where are you in this moment of life. Are you struggling? Are you on hold? Are you wishing life was different? Is your faith a bit shaky and your dreams tattered? Are you looking forward with complete anticipation? Are you doing the happy dance? Are you filled with peace and gratitude. It all changes moment to moment. So, it's okay to have one foot in faith and one in fear. To be happy and sad, to feel lost and at the same time found. Life is hard, and life is lovely. And I'm here to share it with you. 

Sowing Seeds

Seeds. We plant them all the time. Metaphorically speaking we may plant them without even knowing we're doing it. Other times we plant very deliberately. Sometimes they grow, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they lay dormant. There are prayers I've prayed that are like seeds that have yet to show signs of growth. They were planted, tended, watered and yet nothing. Or they grew in ways I never expected. Growing yet never producing. Growing and then perishing. Some growing and blossoming. The way of it all is a mystery to me.

As mysterious as tucking a small hard seed into the ground and covering it with soil and faith. I don't know why it works. It just does. I'll never understand the times things I nurtured self-destructed. I'll always wonder why growth is so tenuous sometimes and so vigorous another. I'll marvel when the outcomes are greater than I've ever hoped. I'll weep as needed over losses that defy understanding.

 

I'll plant seeds of hope and gratitude. I'll plant because I believe in the possibilities. I'll pray over those planted long, long ago and those planted just recently. I'll delight when they break ground, and marvel at the miracle of it all. Trusting in the process of growth.

Sweet Grass

When I moved from the country, three years ago, I potted up some sweet grass and brought it with me. It was one of several plants I carried with. Some irises, some rhubarb, and the sweet grass. The rhubarb didn't survive the journey, one iris did, and the grass.  

The sweet grass came from a cherished neighbor, who likely got it in a roundabout way from native Americans. It's all connected through nature and history. When I was frantically packing the last of the last things, I hastily dug some grass and dropped it in an empty pot. It held on through the move, summer, and fall. In the Spring I couldn't even remember what was in the pot. The sparse amount of soil finally gave way to some spindly blades of grass. That seems a fair analogy of my move and the upheaval of it all. A little soil, some roots, an old pot, and a dusting of hope.

It occurred to me recently that it was time to plant to grass where it could thrive. It was growing, but it was confined and didn't need to be. Another analogy of my life? I believe so. Sometimes we are hesitant to put down roots, to explore possibilities, to encourage growth. Sometimes, we need to just dig deep, plant our hopes, dreams and yes, a little bit of sweet grass. All that said it gives me a touch of anxiety to just let it grow. I don't want to lose it. This tie to my other life. But the flip side is if it thrives, I may have enough to share. It may become more than it is. Same for me. 

Be Safe Stray Dog

The dogs and I encountered a stray yesterday on our walk. Someone's German shorthair was loose. Ironic, right? I walk this area several times a week. I'm like a mobile neighborhood watch with two pointers of my own in tow. 

I watch the gardens come back to life. The people come and go. The new construction taking place. I sort of know who has dogs, which houses you never see anyone, who has pristine lawns. I wonder what their view of the sunset must look like. I wonder what their mortgage payment must be. I wonder if sometime people might stop to chat, but that hasn't happened. They wave as they drive by so there's that. I wonder if they wonder about me as much as I wonder about them. But I digress.

When you are active in rescue, and you see the breed you are passionate about running loose you do your best to wrangle the dog. I tried. I thought I knew where he might at least be visiting, so we backtracked to ask. The stray trailed along. The people there didn't recognize him and although they have dogs, didn't have a leash to share. I lost track of him there and never saw him again. 

We walked the area again this morning, prepared with an extra leash. Fully aware that dog could be miles away by now. I knew another sighting was a long shot. And it was. No luck in finding him. My hope is that he found his way home. Maybe the lesson was that of being willing and opening to possibilities. Isn't that an investment in the karma bank? 

I feel bad I wasn't able to hang on to that dog. Chasing through back yards didn't seem prudent, but I wish I could have done more. Maybe he found his way home. Maybe someone else will help him on his way. Karma is like that. We never know where it leads and how beautifully it will unfold. Until then, be safe stray dog we'll be watching for you.

Connections

I had my Facebook page hacked and cloned about three weeks ago. So, this blog is all about connections. I remember when I first joined social media, my Mom poopoo'd the whole concept of friends across the world and why would I have those kind of "friends" when I didn't have especially close friendships with my siblings. That's another whole blog topic, by the way. 

I also realize that losing a social media account is a first world problem. I understand some people see no value and invest no time in it. For them, that is the right approach. For others (me, for one) it provides an avenue for interaction, sharing life, and life stories, shared interests, support and humor. So, losing those connections was significant. Believe me, I wasn't sure what to do with myself at first. I did a lot of reading to fill the time. A lot.

A small army of friends rallied by reporting that I was hacked. Like an underground railroad of friends working on my behalf, mostly unbeknown to me. There were also many who texted me to be sure I knew of the situation. Friends and extended family alike. I am so lucky to have friends like these.

My account has yet to be recovered. It may or may not happen. So, for me there were many losses beyond that of identity, security and connection. I've begun a new page, and have found as I send friend requests, many delete them because they doubt it's a legitimate request. That too is discouraging.

I've yet to figure out exactly what the lesson is in all this. I'll admit to being leery of the whole situation. Less trusting. And more than a little hacked off. I try to have faith in the process and trust in an unknown outcome. That may be the best we can do on any given day.  I miss the connections, the encouragement, the feeling of belonging. There are some cool people out there. Even if, especially if, I know them through social media. 

That Place That Moment

I was in line at the grocery store recently. The couple in front of me was having trouble with their debit card. You know sometimes there is a bank issue, a glitch in the matrix, insufficient funds, just plain bad juju. Any one of a number of things. It happens to all of us at some point in time. I felt for them. Just as the clerk was going to suspend the transaction, giving the couple time to reach out to their bank, another customer walked over and paid for their items.

Can I just say wow. Random acts of kindness. Generosity played out before my very eyes. The couple who received the gift didn't seem especially moved. Maybe they were simply taken aback, I hope that was the case. I wanted to hug this lady who saw a need and filled it. I want to be more like her. Willing to take action, to bless someone without reservation. Now the flip side is perhaps this debit card issue was a scam the couple was running. It probably happens, which is a sad state of affairs. Either way the couple needed help of some sort.

I could have jumped in to assist. But I was stalled by indecision, the it's not my problem attitude and honestly concern over the expense. How many times have my needs been met even when I saw no way for it to happen. Over and over, I tell you. Over and over. 

Here is my takeaway. Be generous, of spirit, of heart, and if necessary, with the blessings you can share. I came away a better person for being in that place at that moment. I'll never know the exact situation that unfolded. I do know one person gave freely. Amen to that. 

Not So Funny

I had someone poke fun at me because I don't have any "action" in my life. Well, the dogs provide all sorts of action, but not that kind of course. Basically, I was teased for being celibate. Now that's awkward, isn't it? 

The first few times it was kind of funny. You know jokes about "it's been so long since...." "do you even remember what it's like...". I'll admit I laughed. But then it became sort of a running joke, and you know what? Not so funny anymore.

I am celibate. I didn't set out to be. I thought I'd be married and in a monogamous relationship. But life had other plans. So, while I didn't set out to be alone, I am. Such is life. To be teased about it sucks on many levels. There is a distinction here. I can joke of things like this, but others don't have this privilege.

Yes, after a while I verbalized that I wasn't okay with this treatment. Maybe we think someone isn't doing life the "proper" way, or they are missing out, or that it's okay to poke fun at them. In every case of teasing there is some truth. What was projected as funny, was not. Do I need to repeat that?

All that said, I can take a joke, don't get me wrong. But when poking fun, pokes at sore spots, casts a sort of judgment, the joke isn't funny anymore. Words can hurt, use them carefully.