Life As We Know It

Whose life has ever really taken them precisely where they thought they would go? There must be some, who had a plan, pursued it, saw it come to fruition and are living it today. I love it if you are living that dream. I'm guessing, for the rest of us, we had a plan and somewhere along the way all the pieces were tossed like confetti to be reassembled into what was not at all our imagined life plan.

In high school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after graduation, only that after that I wanted to be a wife and mother. The mother part worked out delightfully, the marriage part not so well. Yet, if not for my marriages, I would have missed so many amazing experiences, beautiful friendships and yes, heartache. Even what feels like failure holds blessings that are case sensitive. Can't have one without the other. 

I still wonder if I am on the right path in life. Is work and solitary life all there is? How do I find peace with that? Am I pushing myself enough to be social? How do I build connections and maintain them. Am I accepting life as it is, but never wanted, and finding joy in it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, my kids are terrific, I've been blessed with good neighbors where ever I've lived, I have a warm and lovely home. Yummy food in the fridge and wine in the rack. I have treasured friends. And.... I will always carry heartache because one of the cards I drew in life was being a survivor of suicide loss. No one includes that one when they plan out their "perfect" life. Others have struggles they never included in their life plan, horrible losses, great disappointments, health issues, loss of faith, loss of love. One struggle does not trump another, they all change the trajectory of our life as we dreamed it.

How then to keep the faith when life turns out so vastly different? If I had all the answers I would have no reason to blog. So the good news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. The bad news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. Gotta love the irony of that.

So I'll ask you the same questions that I ask myself. Self, where are you in life? Can you, have you, taken the mix of cards you've been dealt and found some beauty, some peace, some grace in them. Are you doing enough, grateful enough, giving of your gifts enough, resting enough, taking time to heal enough? Heck, are you laughing enough, connecting enough, following your bliss enough? What exactly is your bliss and can google maps help find it? All of which is a work in progress, not a one and done checklist.

Where we thought we'd be in life and where we are probably don't match. Not necessarily a bad thing. The bigger plan in life has blessings we couldn't even imagine. It can all change in a minute. It has, it does. Look for the grace. Be open to the growth.

I Appreciate You

I love that people have added this phrase to their vocabulary. Yes, it's another way to say thank you, for being you. I hope as we use it more frequently we don't forget the depth of feeling it conveys. You might think I'm over thinking this, or picking it apart. Maybe I am. There are several important pieces to this.

Pieces, you say? Uh huh. 

For some it's easy to say I appreciate you. Some say it with deep feeling, some without much thought. For some it's hard to hear I appreciate you. We question whether we actually deserve it, what we've done to deserve it. That piece of us sometimes feels small and insignificant. Like we run under the radar of value and worth. 

I had a day recently where extreme fatigue and stress made me feel, well, to be perfect honest stupid. Like I couldn't get one single thing right, like all my smarts leaked out overnight and I woke up stupid. I even apologized for waking up stupid. In reality I was just stupid tired. I could not identify the pieces that were amiss. I lacked the mental clarity to recognize what was wrong. I was on the struggle bus and had no grace to extend to myself. I was in pieces. In retrospect, I can appreciate that. It was a shitty place to be, but I'm picking up the pieces and making something beautiful of them.

See sometimes what is beautiful is right in front of us and we can't see it. Other times we have to take the pieces and re-purpose them in into something new. Something better. The old value, the old pieces are there, but have been assembled into a piece that is lovely in a new away. There is much to be appreciated in this.

In my solitary life I forget that I may influence others. I do influence others. There I said it. Maybe I appreciate you isn't just something we say to others. Maybe we need to say it to ourselves. Self I appreciate you. Self you have value. Self pick up the pieces and make something beautiful of them. 

 

Space, Grace and Consistency

I've been pondering moments when the whole life as you know it changes. It happens in many ways.  Olympians who's goals are dashed in a nanosecond. Years of training, and yes, confidence shaken to the core. Their whole identity loses its sense of equilibrium. Another case, a rescue dog who moves from the comfort of a foster home to a forever home. Twice in the course of two months everything Maxx knew about how his world operated changed. Granted each time it changed for the better. People who are in the process of a divorce they never saw coming. Unexpected job losses. Traumatic losses. Health issues. All that you know changes in an instant. 

These are moments that undermine our sense of safety and challenge our faith. Sometimes we keep moving forward our head in a fog. Sometimes we are stunned and unable to focus. Other times we stuff all that's scary way down deep inside. That is a full set of baggage to carry. We will get to the point we can no longer manage it.

I'm helping a newly adopted dog settle into his forever home. My home. In the course of that, his world changed, my world changed and the status quo of the current canine resident changed. It is all good and we will get through it. We all need space, grace and consistency to adjust. A sense of humor is necessary. Treats, encouraging words, and an adult beverage (for the human) helps to. It also helps to own it pushes us to step out of what we knew, whether it was comfortable or not, and grow.

Enter space, grace and consistency. Words to say to yourself. Self? I love you enough to grant you space, grace and consistency. Words to say, or offer prayerfully to others, I grant you space, grace and consistency. Space to adjust, grace to accept what's different, and consistency to establish new foundations. Our worlds change....they do. What looks like a shit show offers opportunities we are presently unable to imagine. 

It is okay, even amid change, to look faith forward. Loss of a sense of self, of our identity, is an frightening amazing growth opportunity. It's scary, it dumps boat loads of feelings we need to wade through. It can present gifts untold. Miracles if you will. Little tiny miracles, big gigantic miracles. Miracles you see in retrospect. So as you transition, and you will....it's normal to stress, but important to breathe through it. To honor the past, but look forward to where our new life is. And also to say Self here, let's have a little treat to celebrate our progress. Celebrate those little and big steps of progress. The four footed ones, and the two footed ones. It's necessary to celebrate little victories as we embrace life adjustments.

Stigma, let's talk about it.

I want to talk about stigma.....again. Because I continue to experience it, will probably always experience it. I don't like it but maybe talking about stigma will reduce it.

People who have experienced a traumatic loss are treated differently. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes very subtly. People don't look at us the same, partly because of fear, partly from judgement. Heck, maybe you can tell me why people look at us differently. My guess is partly because they just don't quite know what to do with us. We are proof that life can get messy, that tragedy happens. That, yes, it can happen to anyone. 

Case in point, one person I know never hesitates to say, oh that person's spouse, or child or whoever died by suicide. Now, I don't know the person being referenced. I don't need the weight of their pain on top of my own. I don't want to know their story from someone else. Tragic stories are personal. Not everyone needs the details. Especially in third person. Do I believe our stories need to be shared, absolutely. But, we get to choose who we share with and what we share. Sadly, others feel the need to do that for us. 

I can mostly tell when my story has preceded me. Because no one asks me personal questions. This might be a mixed blessing. Where did you grow up is a safe question. How is work is another. How are your kids is an easy one. It's an odd sort of isolation that is completely unnecessary. 

I try not to be defined by my loss. Some days I win that battle, other times not so much. I know too, that others define me, consciously or unconsciously. They define me by telling my story like it is theirs to tell. People suggest that someone divorcing will date again and try to find someone to set them up with. People will ask about ex-spouse/partner. Loss of a spouse by divorce is acceptable and life goes on. Loss of a relationship by suicide breeds stigma. Like the surviving person is a little sketchy somehow. Like if we'd tried hard enough we could have changed the outcome. Like we aren't quite acceptable somehow because of how life played out. Not true. I know it's not true. Others, influenced by stigma, look at people like me with some hesitancy, consciously or unconsciously. 

Let me say this is not always the case. Just as I can say, sometimes it is. All I ask is that people find compassion and inclusion for those who have suffered from a decision that was not their own. We are people first, not our tragedy first. We deserve to be talked to, not talked about. We long to feel seen, not feel invisible. We long to be included, not excluded because it might feel awkward. We are building a new life, a new sense of self, a new reality. That in itself is a challenge. We can do without the added stigma. 

Good Things, Pieced and Patched

Am I holding on when I should be letting go? Does anxiety keep me from fully living? Is my world deliberately small when it could be infinitely larger? Why do some people have tons of friends and I have a small, but exceedingly wonderful tribe? Do I patch holes on an unfinished patchwork quilt that got nibbled on? Or do I pitch it because it hasn't seen the light of day for years and just move on? Can you go back and start over? Can you trust more and worry less? How do you learn to dream and dream big? Can I set a record for the most questions in the first paragraph of a blog? 

So many questions.....  With answers as follows. Yes, Yes, Yes, and yes because some are more extroverted and others introverted. Probably. Probably not. No, but you can begin anew. Yes, with faith and practice. Dreaming on any level involves imagining and hoping. So let go of control, let go of expecting the worst and challenge yourself to visualize only good things. Only good things. 

Sounds so doable right? I'm thinking that quilt may hold the key. Approach it all one stitch at a time. There will be unexpected holes. Patch over them and move on. It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. The patches we make in our lives give us more warmth, additional depth, extra color.

We are all a work in progress. May the work we do soften us. Remember sometimes we need to set things aside until we are ready to grow again. It's pausing, not giving up. It's rest, dreaming, trusting and faith in action. It's taking pieces, of this and that, successes and failures, of wins and losses and creating a new life. 

Everyone Has A Mixed Bag

I follow social media. Heck I am an active participant in social media. I see the picture perfect representations of life, and I see the ones that are real and rough around the edges. The ones where people are honest about life reality and the challenges it presents. I see, and I am concerned about, the ones who have already decided this year is a shit show, will always be a shit show. Two weeks ago we looked forward with hope, and already have lost hope.

Not that there haven't been significant losses. There have and they hurt. They define moments in life we all have to face. They do not define how today goes, or tomorrow or the other 353 remaining days of the year. Those days will be a mix of joy, sorrow, laughter, growth, grief. Those days will touch all our feelings, they will ebb and flow. Feelings are meant to come and to go. We can feel multiple feelings and release them or get stuck in them.

You know me to be an optimist, to be lifted by grace and held safe by faith. You also know life has been hard, sometimes brutally hard for me. Those "hard" times have the capacity to color my life if I chose. I chose to fill my life with color. The color of hope, the color of faith. Granted it's not all rainbows and pots of gold. I struggle, I feel anxiety, I wish things didn't happen the way they did. I feel doubt and question my ability to love, to trust. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, moments where my daughter would call me 'so pretty' but without saying it ridiculously clueless. I haven't though predicted, even jokingly, that this year is destined to suck. 

Yesterday, at work, I assisted a woman selecting a funeral tribute for her brother, her favorite brother. She needed to be heard and proceeded to tell me about how great her brother was. She showed me pictures and told how he was a beloved part of her life. How she wondered who would change light bulbs for her since her super tall brother was gone. In her loss she chose to rave about the goodness of life with her brother. 

We can do the same. We can feel all the feels and chose how they color our life. We can be messy, lost, struggling. We don't have to be perfect, have a perfect facade, or show only our perfect moments. We can be real and be hopeful at the same time. We can deal with today, today. We can let the other 353 days come one day at a  time. We can take our mixed bag and rave about the goodness in it. 

All That And More

I don't know how it happens, but another year has slipped, skipped, skidded, screamed, scrambled and slid by. How do you sum up your year? How do you weigh the joys against the sorrows? How do you find the grace and navigate the grief. 

I keep thinking one of these years will be without the challenges of transition. Maybe I'm delusional. I say it only adds to my charm. Transition is hard. Life is hard. And yet, life can be so beautiful it takes your breath away. I sometimes think, wow, life didn't take me where I wanted. But life took me where I needed to be. 

This year I resigned one position because it didn't fit, wasn't going to fit, was an awful fit and I chose to go a new direction. I am not a quitter. In the past I would have just worked harder to make it fit. Not this year. I've learned you can try things on and sometimes they just don't fit. Kudos for trying, but the brilliance is in saying no thanks, I'll go another direction. We all have the option to go a new direction.

That's not to say I don't wish for other things in my life. Even blanketed in gratitude we can long for other things. The key, I think is how much time we lose to longing, to anger, to dissatisfaction, and how much time we invest in gratitude. One harvests so much growth and grace. The other breeds discontent. 

I'm not saying there weren't hard times. Times I questioned the path unfolding before me. Times my eyes leaked with sorrow. Times I doubted. Times I wrestled with what was mine, and what was someone else's burden to carry. There were also times I was blessed with the company of friends who helped me pull shrubs from the yard, who invited me to tea, who met me in store parking lots to trade groceries items one needed and the other purchased. Times with my kids. Times with my country family. Times talking dogs, times renewing old relationships and building new ones. We could all say it was the best of times and the worst of times. Because life is just like that.

For those who pushed me, knowingly or unknowingly, in new directions. Thank you. For those who held my head above water, knowingly or unknowingly, thank you. For those who laughed with me, thank you, thank you, thank you. For those who take time to check in on me, I can't thank you enough. For the dogs I've loved and lost this year, I give thanks for how they loved me, which is more than I could ever love them. For faith that grows in leaps and bounds, as well as in increments difficult to measure. Amen and thank you. For health of body and mind. Thank you. For Friday night tequila shots and weekends, for days off and days at work. For old friends and new. Thank you.

It's been a year. For all of us. I give thanks for that, and I wish you that. A year that meets your needs and exceeds your expectations. A year that pushes you new directions, and pulls you close to the love available to you. A year that sustains and delights you. A year that gives you much to ponder as it draws to a close. A year that wraps you in blessings. A year that strengthens you and softens you. All that and more....yes, all that and more.