Small World, Big World?

How big is your world? I've been pondering that. Feeling that my world is small. Limited. Often lonely. I find myself comparing my life to others. Okay, I'll own it, I compare it to couples sometimes. I compare it to young adults with big social circles. I compare it to young marrieds who seem to have it all. I look at the people who seem to have golden lives with no struggles. I compare it to people with dual high dollar incomes and opportunities to travel. I compare mine to other peoples life persona's. Because there is no way to know their life reality.

I need to rein those comparisons in. I don't know their reality. Other than it's a really pretty picture from the outside. I do know reality changes over the years. I know I need to make adjustments for "perfect" world dreams and real life normalcy. In the middle of all this is my comfort zone. My faith base, my work and home responsibilities. 

I find myself, or recognize my self introversion. I find I long for connection and social activity, and also feel anxiety in partaking in it. Sometimes safe is home on the sofa with the dogs. Okay, maybe most times. Other times I want to be out there experiencing new things, meeting new people. Finding the balance between one and the other is the rub.

Maybe those with big busy worlds long for smaller slower paced worlds. Maybe they long for quiet time. Just as I long for conversation and the ability to be comfortable sharing my real self. Not just the self who works 40 hours a week meeting work expectations. Life has been hard, and as I've pulled back to protect myself from being vulnerable, being hurt, I've lost confidence and trust. Or, the flip side, is maybe this is the time to really learn to trust myself, be comfortable being myself. Love myself. 

Perhaps a small world is not a bad thing. Maybe people with small worlds can make big differences. Just because life as I once knew it is over, it doesn't mean life in general is over. Life each day is new and different. I need to accept my place in it. I need to learn to feel safe in it. By both stretching myself, and by honoring what I know is true for me. 

Some people would love a small world with all the comforts I enjoy. I need to be one of them. What about you? Big world? Small world? Are you comfortable? Do you need to grow your reality, honor it, or embrace it?

No regret....

They say you can't go forward in life by continuing to look in the rear view mirror. Life is ahead of us not behind. I can't argue with that logic, but I also believe the lessons from the life behind us represent growth opportunities and experiences that take time to process and fully understand. If only learning was instantaneous. Instead it is an introspective process. Sometimes we aren't ready to embrace the lesson until we get further down the road.

Sometimes we make decisions assuming others are the problem without understanding how we influenced it. Sometimes we are spot on with our choices, based either on sound knowledge or trusting our intuition. Sometimes those choices which seem self protective are also self prohibitive with long term losses. They can be both. Life is complicated.

Things/decisions I do not regret. Saying yes to dogs. Thirty years ago I lived under the precept that "we weren't home enough to have a dog". So grateful, as are the dogs I've had the opportunity to love and foster, that I said wait, What? I can make room in my life for dogs. And, I did it in a big way.

I do not regret saying yes to marriage, even though twice it didn't pan out as I hoped and dreamed. Do I believe in it? Yes. Do I know, in spite of human mistakes, that I gave my all. Yes I do. Did it mess with my head, yup. Were they both huge losses, enormously. However, they were not without gifts and graces too many to number.

Do I regret or doubt that all this was divinely led? Not even a little. I am a far cry from practicing the faith I grew up with. Still I Believe. My faith has evolved with my life as it plays out. I know the big guy upstairs holds my hand daily. Just as I know he laughs at my Nancy-isms and blonde moments, leads me gently as I move through my days. Keeping me on the path even though my propensity to wander is strong. Hey girl, c'mon back, must be whispered in my ear daily.

Do I regret taking all this, this life that has been a lot, and sharing it with whoever needs it? Not even. I hope these words find their way to hearts hurting and healing. To hearts needing encouragement. To hearts worrying. To hearts open to being washed in grace. To hearts barely cracking the door to faith and grace. To hearts unsure they can go on. Trust me, we need you. My path is different than yours. But some life lessons transfer like credit from one school of life to another. Carry on, and know you are not alone.

Mindfully, Gently, Lovingly

I don't know about you, but I would guess some of us are more self-critical, than we are self-encouraging. For myself, I can say yes I am to the former, and no I'm not to the latter. For me, part of that is the underlying fear of not getting "it" right. The "it" can be anything. I grew up walking on egg shells to keep the peace. Peace that I was not responsible for. In between keeping the peace I did my best to be "invisible". Or as invisible as possible. Getting "it" right was paramount. I tried and tried, and couldn't keep the peace because it was beyond my control. Peace keeping and closing your self off to the point of invisibility is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. Releasing that weight is work in progress.

There are distinct moments in my life that the feeling of not getting "it" right was absolutely soul crushing. I remember leaving an attorney's office over 20 years ago thinking I had proof that I was dumb as dirt. Not because I was, but because legal matters are complicated and I don't have legal knowledge. My attorney did his job by law, by procedure, but did not connect with compassion. If I could go back in time, I'd find someone who would speak to me, not down to me. I could have also found someone I could trust that pain with to help me process it. At the time I was unable to advocate for myself, and no one advocated for me. I can see it in a different light now.

Other such moments occurred as I grew emotionally and set firm boundaries. It's hard to learn things that should have been taught so long ago. Hard, but not impossible. As I was growing and learning about how I was willing to live life, what I could carry, what I couldn't, my spouse made the choice to give up on life. I think my first words were, and will always be, it didn't have to be this way. Truth, it didn't have to be this way. He was unable/unwilling to advocate for himself, and though I tried, I couldn't do it for him. No more than I could keep the peace. Or stay invisible. It was simply not within my capacity. It didn't have to be this way, and I was unable to prevent it.

The worry of not getting "it" right causes me anxiety. It also gives me a multitude of opportunities to be less self critical and more self loving. I have to be mindful of it, and when my mind is full, I sometimes forget. I heard someone at work say they were terrible at their job. Are they? Nope, but in their head a voice said they didn't get "it" right so they must be terrible.

What does your inner voice say? What does it say when you are sad. What does it say when you are struggling? What does it say when you look in the mirror? What does it say if you have a human moment and don't get "it" right? What does it say when you do great? What does it say when you go to bed at night? How can we be more mindful, more gentle, more accepting of all the parts of ourselves. The parts that get it right and the parts that momentarily don't. How do we extend this grace to ourselves, and to others? I think we do that by listening, by nurturing, and by advocating for ourselves. Some days we will get it right. The other days we embrace as an opportunity to begin again, mindfully, gently, lovingly.

Life As We Know It

Whose life has ever really taken them precisely where they thought they would go? There must be some, who had a plan, pursued it, saw it come to fruition and are living it today. I love it if you are living that dream. I'm guessing, for the rest of us, we had a plan and somewhere along the way all the pieces were tossed like confetti to be reassembled into what was not at all our imagined life plan.

In high school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after graduation, only that after that I wanted to be a wife and mother. The mother part worked out delightfully, the marriage part not so well. Yet, if not for my marriages, I would have missed so many amazing experiences, beautiful friendships and yes, heartache. Even what feels like failure holds blessings that are case sensitive. Can't have one without the other. 

I still wonder if I am on the right path in life. Is work and solitary life all there is? How do I find peace with that? Am I pushing myself enough to be social? How do I build connections and maintain them. Am I accepting life as it is, but never wanted, and finding joy in it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, my kids are terrific, I've been blessed with good neighbors where ever I've lived, I have a warm and lovely home. Yummy food in the fridge and wine in the rack. I have treasured friends. And.... I will always carry heartache because one of the cards I drew in life was being a survivor of suicide loss. No one includes that one when they plan out their "perfect" life. Others have struggles they never included in their life plan, horrible losses, great disappointments, health issues, loss of faith, loss of love. One struggle does not trump another, they all change the trajectory of our life as we dreamed it.

How then to keep the faith when life turns out so vastly different? If I had all the answers I would have no reason to blog. So the good news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. The bad news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. Gotta love the irony of that.

So I'll ask you the same questions that I ask myself. Self, where are you in life? Can you, have you, taken the mix of cards you've been dealt and found some beauty, some peace, some grace in them. Are you doing enough, grateful enough, giving of your gifts enough, resting enough, taking time to heal enough? Heck, are you laughing enough, connecting enough, following your bliss enough? What exactly is your bliss and can google maps help find it? All of which is a work in progress, not a one and done checklist.

Where we thought we'd be in life and where we are probably don't match. Not necessarily a bad thing. The bigger plan in life has blessings we couldn't even imagine. It can all change in a minute. It has, it does. Look for the grace. Be open to the growth.

I Appreciate You

I love that people have added this phrase to their vocabulary. Yes, it's another way to say thank you, for being you. I hope as we use it more frequently we don't forget the depth of feeling it conveys. You might think I'm over thinking this, or picking it apart. Maybe I am. There are several important pieces to this.

Pieces, you say? Uh huh. 

For some it's easy to say I appreciate you. Some say it with deep feeling, some without much thought. For some it's hard to hear I appreciate you. We question whether we actually deserve it, what we've done to deserve it. That piece of us sometimes feels small and insignificant. Like we run under the radar of value and worth. 

I had a day recently where extreme fatigue and stress made me feel, well, to be perfect honest stupid. Like I couldn't get one single thing right, like all my smarts leaked out overnight and I woke up stupid. I even apologized for waking up stupid. In reality I was just stupid tired. I could not identify the pieces that were amiss. I lacked the mental clarity to recognize what was wrong. I was on the struggle bus and had no grace to extend to myself. I was in pieces. In retrospect, I can appreciate that. It was a shitty place to be, but I'm picking up the pieces and making something beautiful of them.

See sometimes what is beautiful is right in front of us and we can't see it. Other times we have to take the pieces and re-purpose them in into something new. Something better. The old value, the old pieces are there, but have been assembled into a piece that is lovely in a new away. There is much to be appreciated in this.

In my solitary life I forget that I may influence others. I do influence others. There I said it. Maybe I appreciate you isn't just something we say to others. Maybe we need to say it to ourselves. Self I appreciate you. Self you have value. Self pick up the pieces and make something beautiful of them. 

 

Space, Grace and Consistency

I've been pondering moments when the whole life as you know it changes. It happens in many ways.  Olympians who's goals are dashed in a nanosecond. Years of training, and yes, confidence shaken to the core. Their whole identity loses its sense of equilibrium. Another case, a rescue dog who moves from the comfort of a foster home to a forever home. Twice in the course of two months everything Maxx knew about how his world operated changed. Granted each time it changed for the better. People who are in the process of a divorce they never saw coming. Unexpected job losses. Traumatic losses. Health issues. All that you know changes in an instant. 

These are moments that undermine our sense of safety and challenge our faith. Sometimes we keep moving forward our head in a fog. Sometimes we are stunned and unable to focus. Other times we stuff all that's scary way down deep inside. That is a full set of baggage to carry. We will get to the point we can no longer manage it.

I'm helping a newly adopted dog settle into his forever home. My home. In the course of that, his world changed, my world changed and the status quo of the current canine resident changed. It is all good and we will get through it. We all need space, grace and consistency to adjust. A sense of humor is necessary. Treats, encouraging words, and an adult beverage (for the human) helps to. It also helps to own it pushes us to step out of what we knew, whether it was comfortable or not, and grow.

Enter space, grace and consistency. Words to say to yourself. Self? I love you enough to grant you space, grace and consistency. Words to say, or offer prayerfully to others, I grant you space, grace and consistency. Space to adjust, grace to accept what's different, and consistency to establish new foundations. Our worlds change....they do. What looks like a shit show offers opportunities we are presently unable to imagine. 

It is okay, even amid change, to look faith forward. Loss of a sense of self, of our identity, is an frightening amazing growth opportunity. It's scary, it dumps boat loads of feelings we need to wade through. It can present gifts untold. Miracles if you will. Little tiny miracles, big gigantic miracles. Miracles you see in retrospect. So as you transition, and you will....it's normal to stress, but important to breathe through it. To honor the past, but look forward to where our new life is. And also to say Self here, let's have a little treat to celebrate our progress. Celebrate those little and big steps of progress. The four footed ones, and the two footed ones. It's necessary to celebrate little victories as we embrace life adjustments.

Stigma, let's talk about it.

I want to talk about stigma.....again. Because I continue to experience it, will probably always experience it. I don't like it but maybe talking about stigma will reduce it.

People who have experienced a traumatic loss are treated differently. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes very subtly. People don't look at us the same, partly because of fear, partly from judgement. Heck, maybe you can tell me why people look at us differently. My guess is partly because they just don't quite know what to do with us. We are proof that life can get messy, that tragedy happens. That, yes, it can happen to anyone. 

Case in point, one person I know never hesitates to say, oh that person's spouse, or child or whoever died by suicide. Now, I don't know the person being referenced. I don't need the weight of their pain on top of my own. I don't want to know their story from someone else. Tragic stories are personal. Not everyone needs the details. Especially in third person. Do I believe our stories need to be shared, absolutely. But, we get to choose who we share with and what we share. Sadly, others feel the need to do that for us. 

I can mostly tell when my story has preceded me. Because no one asks me personal questions. This might be a mixed blessing. Where did you grow up is a safe question. How is work is another. How are your kids is an easy one. It's an odd sort of isolation that is completely unnecessary. 

I try not to be defined by my loss. Some days I win that battle, other times not so much. I know too, that others define me, consciously or unconsciously. They define me by telling my story like it is theirs to tell. People suggest that someone divorcing will date again and try to find someone to set them up with. People will ask about ex-spouse/partner. Loss of a spouse by divorce is acceptable and life goes on. Loss of a relationship by suicide breeds stigma. Like the surviving person is a little sketchy somehow. Like if we'd tried hard enough we could have changed the outcome. Like we aren't quite acceptable somehow because of how life played out. Not true. I know it's not true. Others, influenced by stigma, look at people like me with some hesitancy, consciously or unconsciously. 

Let me say this is not always the case. Just as I can say, sometimes it is. All I ask is that people find compassion and inclusion for those who have suffered from a decision that was not their own. We are people first, not our tragedy first. We deserve to be talked to, not talked about. We long to feel seen, not feel invisible. We long to be included, not excluded because it might feel awkward. We are building a new life, a new sense of self, a new reality. That in itself is a challenge. We can do without the added stigma.