Sweet Grass

When I moved from the country, three years ago, I potted up some sweet grass and brought it with me. It was one of several plants I carried with. Some irises, some rhubarb, and the sweet grass. The rhubarb didn't survive the journey, one iris did, and the grass.  

The sweet grass came from a cherished neighbor, who likely got it in a roundabout way from native Americans. It's all connected through nature and history. When I was frantically packing the last of the last things, I hastily dug some grass and dropped it in an empty pot. It held on through the move, summer, and fall. In the Spring I couldn't even remember what was in the pot. The sparse amount of soil finally gave way to some spindly blades of grass. That seems a fair analogy of my move and the upheaval of it all. A little soil, some roots, an old pot, and a dusting of hope.

It occurred to me recently that it was time to plant to grass where it could thrive. It was growing, but it was confined and didn't need to be. Another analogy of my life? I believe so. Sometimes we are hesitant to put down roots, to explore possibilities, to encourage growth. Sometimes, we need to just dig deep, plant our hopes, dreams and yes, a little bit of sweet grass. All that said it gives me a touch of anxiety to just let it grow. I don't want to lose it. This tie to my other life. But the flip side is if it thrives, I may have enough to share. It may become more than it is. Same for me. 

Be Safe Stray Dog

The dogs and I encountered a stray yesterday on our walk. Someone's German shorthair was loose. Ironic, right? I walk this area several times a week. I'm like a mobile neighborhood watch with two pointers of my own in tow. 

I watch the gardens come back to life. The people come and go. The new construction taking place. I sort of know who has dogs, which houses you never see anyone, who has pristine lawns. I wonder what their view of the sunset must look like. I wonder what their mortgage payment must be. I wonder if sometime people might stop to chat, but that hasn't happened. They wave as they drive by so there's that. I wonder if they wonder about me as much as I wonder about them. But I digress.

When you are active in rescue, and you see the breed you are passionate about running loose you do your best to wrangle the dog. I tried. I thought I knew where he might at least be visiting, so we backtracked to ask. The stray trailed along. The people there didn't recognize him and although they have dogs, didn't have a leash to share. I lost track of him there and never saw him again. 

We walked the area again this morning, prepared with an extra leash. Fully aware that dog could be miles away by now. I knew another sighting was a long shot. And it was. No luck in finding him. My hope is that he found his way home. Maybe the lesson was that of being willing and opening to possibilities. Isn't that an investment in the karma bank? 

I feel bad I wasn't able to hang on to that dog. Chasing through back yards didn't seem prudent, but I wish I could have done more. Maybe he found his way home. Maybe someone else will help him on his way. Karma is like that. We never know where it leads and how beautifully it will unfold. Until then, be safe stray dog we'll be watching for you.

Connections

I had my Facebook page hacked and cloned about three weeks ago. So, this blog is all about connections. I remember when I first joined social media, my Mom poopoo'd the whole concept of friends across the world and why would I have those kind of "friends" when I didn't have especially close friendships with my siblings. That's another whole blog topic, by the way. 

I also realize that losing a social media account is a first world problem. I understand some people see no value and invest no time in it. For them, that is the right approach. For others (me, for one) it provides an avenue for interaction, sharing life, and life stories, shared interests, support and humor. So, losing those connections was significant. Believe me, I wasn't sure what to do with myself at first. I did a lot of reading to fill the time. A lot.

A small army of friends rallied by reporting that I was hacked. Like an underground railroad of friends working on my behalf, mostly unbeknown to me. There were also many who texted me to be sure I knew of the situation. Friends and extended family alike. I am so lucky to have friends like these.

My account has yet to be recovered. It may or may not happen. So, for me there were many losses beyond that of identity, security and connection. I've begun a new page, and have found as I send friend requests, many delete them because they doubt it's a legitimate request. That too is discouraging.

I've yet to figure out exactly what the lesson is in all this. I'll admit to being leery of the whole situation. Less trusting. And more than a little hacked off. I try to have faith in the process and trust in an unknown outcome. That may be the best we can do on any given day.  I miss the connections, the encouragement, the feeling of belonging. There are some cool people out there. Even if, especially if, I know them through social media. 

That Place That Moment

I was in line at the grocery store recently. The couple in front of me was having trouble with their debit card. You know sometimes there is a bank issue, a glitch in the matrix, insufficient funds, just plain bad juju. Any one of a number of things. It happens to all of us at some point in time. I felt for them. Just as the clerk was going to suspend the transaction, giving the couple time to reach out to their bank, another customer walked over and paid for their items.

Can I just say wow. Random acts of kindness. Generosity played out before my very eyes. The couple who received the gift didn't seem especially moved. Maybe they were simply taken aback, I hope that was the case. I wanted to hug this lady who saw a need and filled it. I want to be more like her. Willing to take action, to bless someone without reservation. Now the flip side is perhaps this debit card issue was a scam the couple was running. It probably happens, which is a sad state of affairs. Either way the couple needed help of some sort.

I could have jumped in to assist. But I was stalled by indecision, the it's not my problem attitude and honestly concern over the expense. How many times have my needs been met even when I saw no way for it to happen. Over and over, I tell you. Over and over. 

Here is my takeaway. Be generous, of spirit, of heart, and if necessary, with the blessings you can share. I came away a better person for being in that place at that moment. I'll never know the exact situation that unfolded. I do know one person gave freely. Amen to that. 

Not So Funny

I had someone poke fun at me because I don't have any "action" in my life. Well, the dogs provide all sorts of action, but not that kind of course. Basically, I was teased for being celibate. Now that's awkward, isn't it? 

The first few times it was kind of funny. You know jokes about "it's been so long since...." "do you even remember what it's like...". I'll admit I laughed. But then it became sort of a running joke, and you know what? Not so funny anymore.

I am celibate. I didn't set out to be. I thought I'd be married and in a monogamous relationship. But life had other plans. So, while I didn't set out to be alone, I am. Such is life. To be teased about it sucks on many levels. There is a distinction here. I can joke of things like this, but others don't have this privilege.

Yes, after a while I verbalized that I wasn't okay with this treatment. Maybe we think someone isn't doing life the "proper" way, or they are missing out, or that it's okay to poke fun at them. In every case of teasing there is some truth. What was projected as funny, was not. Do I need to repeat that?

All that said, I can take a joke, don't get me wrong. But when poking fun, pokes at sore spots, casts a sort of judgment, the joke isn't funny anymore. Words can hurt, use them carefully. 

Healing Awaits

Do you ever have down days? I think we all do. Some of us own them, some don't. Some push through to the other side. Some stuff their feelings only to have them come out sideways. Sometimes we can nudge the feelings aside by counting blessings. Because, true story, we always have blessings to count. 

However, life is hard, we have days that just weigh heavier. Days our losses feel especially tender. Days that feel like the sun just won't shine. 

It takes me back to when I was struggling and began taking anti-depressants. My first marriage was falling apart. I was numb. I felt like my smile wasn't getting to my eyes anymore. It was time to get help. I went round and round with a sibling who maintained that periods of depression are a fact of life, and you just deal with it. Wallow in the pain long enough, and eventually it would go away. It still sounds like a miserable experience to me. Life is hard enough, why deny the help that is available? 

Now I know, asking for help and accepting it is humbling. Owning it exposes our soft belly, so to speak. We want to maintain appearances. That we have it "all" together. Does anyone, really?? We want to be strong and independent. Strong can be a defense mechanism and independent can be isolating. Strong is exhausting, and frankly, no one who is strong really had any other option. 

So, when the road is rough, take stock of your surroundings. Check and see what you're feeling. Own the hard stuff. Accept the help that is available. Let someone know how you're doing, the weight you are holding.  Remember that every storm runs out of rain. Thank you, Maya Angelo, for this wisdom. Count some blessings, feel the feelings, release them. Healing awaits.

Alone, Not Alone

Living alone. It's not for sissies. It is where life has led me, and what I'm accepting. Face it, we all sometimes yearn for what others have. Those with curly hair, want straight hair. Short people long to be tall. Curvy people yearn to be thin. Single people envy couples. Couples may envy singles. You get my drift. Life is complicated. We may want what others have, even in the midst of gratitude for what we have.

I'll be the first to admit I never saw myself living alone. Granted I don't live alone, alone. I do have dogs, or rather, they have me. I'm pretty sure being alone has always been a great fear of mine. And yet, here I am. Ironically, I've been alone even when in relationships. So alone is relative. Funny how life works out that way.

There was a time when I searched out new relationships so I wouldn't be alone. I didn't trust that I was exactly where I needed to be. Not that those choices didn't hold exactly the lessons I needed. Boy howdy, did they. And brought blessings for every lesson taught! I have grown since then. So, while I sometimes wrestle with being alone, I also embrace it.

Like everyone, we need to feel connected. To be a part of something bigger. To feel the comfort that comes with interaction, understanding and caring. To be asked how your day was, reminded to drive safe, to have someone say let me help you with that. We want to give of ourselves, and to receive from others. In a safe, mutually beneficial and fulfilling way. We want someone to laugh with, who listens, who responds appropriately (or inappropriately, lol). And we want our safe comfy space. I have a great appreciation of my space. Which includes more than a little dog fur and a liberal scattering of dog toys.

It takes time alone to understand what makes you comfortably you. It takes faith and resilience. Wrestling with being alone is basically wrestling with yourself. Eventually, thankfully, you find peace, yourself and find the comfort of being by yourself. You know what the good news is? We can be alone and be connected at the same time. One does not preclude the other. Carry on, knowing even if you live alone, you are not alone.