Accepting The Grief With The Growth

I had no idea how much moving would trigger my grief. I was achieving a goal to be closer to my kids so it had to be all good right?

Grief is funny that way. I believe it gets triggered during times of joy, and of sorrow, and during major life events. It floods in without warning, uninvited and takes our breath away. I grieve letting go of the home we shared together, and it hurts to be forging a new life that is so different. At times I resent having to do this all alone, and feel short changed because I have to.

I have had a tiny glimpse of just how overwhelming life in his last days must have felt. The loss, the fear, the uncertainty, the frustration, the impossibility of it all. Then I imagine that it must have felt doubled or tripled in his mind. I grieve for that too. One might think the further out I get, the less I would struggle with this. Fact is I will always struggle with this and life changes will always open the flood gates.

Now I can see these struggles are temporary. Sure, I wish I knew the definition to just how temporary, this temporary is. A crystal ball might come in handy for that. I have the skills (and utilize them) to work my way through. I lean in to my faith and the Word of God. I reach out to my friends and allow them to hold my head above water. I can share my worries and struggles and others help me carry them. I was blessed by a Random Act of Kindness group recently who are supporting me daily in prayer and with a lovely gift of generosity. It's humbling to receive such a precious gift.

It is hard to own your struggles, but own them we must. It's difficult to look forward with anticipation and look back in sorrow simultaneously. To know embracing one thing, leaves the other further behind. In a perfect world I could have this job, in that location, with my kids close by and not have to leave so much of what I love behind. In a perfect world I'd still be a wife and not a survivor of suicide loss. But it is not a perfect world. There are, however, perfectly blessed moments in the midst of growth and grief.

So I accept that grief will be my partner as I move into this new life. No, it's not easy owning that. I might just as well hold sorrow's hand rather than try to fight it off. I can't leave my story behind,  pretend its not baggage I carry or ignore it. It needs to be told. So I share it openly. In the hope that my journey somehow eases yours. Take a piece of my story and use it as a needed. May it bring hope and comfort.