Hard Questions, No Easy Answers

I'm going to ask a hard question. When was the last time you felt attractive? I know, it's an odd question. But when was it? It's been a while for me. I'm not sure why.

Also, I can tell you on any given day I feel somewhat invisible. I have some moments I feel inept. We all do. I had a experience last week where I felt stupid, because I couldn't get something right. I voiced that and it was suggested I should stop having a pity party. I took some time to analyze the way I was judged and the way I was feeling.  Was I expressing self pity? No. I was, probably in a sarcastic manner, expressing that I was feeling stupid for not being able to do what should have been an easy task. Why is it sometimes our ability falls neatly into place and other times we flounder? When that happens negative self talk throws me for a loop. In that case, how I felt and how I was perceived were vastly different. I needed some self acceptance, some encouragement. A little less judgement from the peanut gallery wouldn't have hurt either.

So do I feel invisible because I don't feel heard? Because of stigma? It is an age thing, a status thing? Do I feel invisible because I've lost some of who I am and the confidence that goes with it? Is it because I feel judged, and judge myself as well? Has some sense, or innocence, been taken from me, and how do I get that back? And oh yes, how does one feel attractive?

Holy crap, I'm asking a lot of hard questions with no easy answers. Maybe I need some R&R, a romcom, a glass of wine and an attitude adjustment. Or a psych eval, I'm not sure which or in what order. 

No, this is not a pity party or a lamentation. This is life. It is picking up broken pieces and building a new whole. We've all been shattered at some point in time. If we haven't we will be. We all have the desire to be seen and heard. The need to be valued. The deep need for inclusion and affirmation. The personal need to feel all our feelings including feeling attractive. Pretty sure feeling attractive is an inside job. Although affirmation from the outside helps. How do I get to that? How do I become present and visible, heard, valued and yes, feel attractive. I know, I know....hard questions. I'll ponder them if you will. 

Looking Back, Looking Forward, Life In The Middle

I was looking at journal entries from two years ago. From when I moved from the country to the city. Isn't it wonderful we have no idea how hard something is going to be when we undertake it? Whoever said ignorance is bliss was a freaking genius. I still sometimes look longingly back. I still sometimes look back in horror. I still look back with gratitude. 

Everyday I look at a little note on my mirror that says "what if it's better than you expect". There may be some dark humor in that if your expectations are non-existent. Two years ago I couldn't conceive of looking forward with that attitude. Two years ago everything was hard. Did I think of going back, at times I seriously did. Was it really an option, nope. Did I think of giving up, giving in? No, I did not. Did I wonder where I belonged, would it ever feel like home, would life ever not be hard, was it all a mistake? Heck yes. Show of hands for all of us who've been in that position. 

I wish I could have done a fast forward to here and now. Except growth doesn't come fast, and sometimes you can't tell if you're moving forward. In between back there, and up ahead, is life in the middle.

Life in the middle is a 100% less stressful. Counting that as a win. Life in the middle has settled allowing me to settle in. Life in the middle will always include regrets. Life in the middle is different than I imagined, not exactly what I expected. Some of my expectations were hopeful but not realistic. Again, show of hands if you've shared this experience. Life in the middle gives me pause to realize how many prayers have been answered on my journey. How much has evolved better than I expected. 

Life in the middle is a reflection of my past, my choices, my faith. I'm not where I was, I'm not where I'm going. Whatever you're in the middle of, and I know, we're all in the middle of something.... What if it's better than you expect?

 

3 days 3 weeks 3 months

They say in animal rescue when a new dog comes into your home there is a 3 day 3 week 3 month rule. The first 3 days they are fearful and uncertain, their whole life has changed. They don't know what to expect, it's stressful. At three weeks they are settling in, learning the routine, realizing this may be a permanent place for them, they begin to show their true self. At three months they are comfortable in their new home, they are building trust, and have a sense of security. I'm pretty sure people go through phases like this when circumstances change. The ratio of 3-3-3 is not hard and fast. It varies by situation. 

Even with animals the ratio is an average. We know life doesn't unfold on a set timetable. There are highs, lows, periods of waiting that seem unending. There are stages where your whole world is uprooted, your safety feels shattered, your sense of self lost along with your ability to hope. There are seasons where things settle again and you regain your footing. There are seasons of joy and contentment.

It's okay to take things at your own pace and know the ratio is merely a suggestion. Grief is like that, people who haven't had great losses, may not understand it's a lifelong process. Some people chose to bravely move through the process as best they can. Taking two steps forward, and one step back as needed. Others pause temporarily as they gain strength. Some never recover.

It is a gift to give yourself permission to take your time. Here might not be comfortable, but I'll sit with the icky's until growth moves me along. Here may not be where I want to be, but I won't always be here. Here may be miles away from what was, and miles away from what is meant to be.

Now I'll be the first to say I'd prefer to skip right to the good stuff. Who wouldn't rather bloom without the investment of growing? Can we cut right to dessert (have seconds on it) and pass up our veggies? Can we have the perfect relationship, with ourselves and others, without being present, intentional, invested? Can we bypass the 40 hour work week and zip straight to payday? Yes, yes please! However,under the category of Life Doesn't Work That Way for $200, the answer is nice try, but no such luck.

Your 3 days 3 weeks 3 months, whatever your timetable looks, like is merely a suggestion. The growth, experience, end result is individual and graced in ways we cannot begin to fathom. Divinely lead by a bigger plan.Wrestling with it, pushing it to conform to expectation doesn't work. Like stuffing a big object into a little box. Should fit, might fit, ain't ever gonna fit. 

Give yourself time to evolve. Find some laughter along the way. Trust that all will be well. Know you are not alone. Celebrate the wins however long they take. They are there, some tiny, some huge, some apparent only to you. 

Comfort

What gives you comfort? Are we as good at identifying what gives us comfort as we are identifying what doesn't? Granted it is a sifting through of experiences, an evolution of time, growth, loss and revelation that lands us there. Sometimes it takes a large amount of discomfort to find our comfort.

Perhaps our comfort level is tied to early childhood experiences. Perhaps it is related to what we are told to do, to be, not to do, or should do to meet expectations. As children comfort should be as available as air to breathe, food on the table, safe boundaries, encouragement and acceptance. Perhaps it is tied to self understanding, personal responsibility and self care. It is owning what works and doesn't work for us. 

So the challenge, for me, and you is to identify and embrace what gives you comfort. Internally and externally. Maybe this is part of why people lose their way in life. They think it's out there, they're entitled, it comes without a price or investment, it should just be given to them. Happiness is an inside job, so is comfort.

I know it may take years to define it, and it changes along the way. We must find it for ourselves. Others can't do that for us. Sure we try to emulate what ours looks like by what it looks like for others. Thinking someone else's looks like they have more, better. Their comfort, experiences, collections of things, or definitions will not fill our individual needs. 

How often do we think, I would be happy if. If I had, this that or the other. If life wasn't so hard, if there weren't struggles, angst and challenges. If so and so would just grow up, do, say, or act differently. If life was fair. If we won the lottery, if our Fairy God Mother would sprinkle happy dust all over us. If, if, if.

Hard questions. Evolving answers. Individual experiences. But my wish is this. That we can scale down the big picture, silence the noise, release the outside expectations. What brings you comfort. Is it simple pleasures? Genuine, consistent connections. It maybe something out there, it may be something small and meaningful right here. It will be different for you than it is for me. Do not dismiss what works for you by seeing what works for others. We are similar, but different. Piece together a life that gives you comfort. Trust the journey, even when we're not sure we understand it or even like it. We are led right where we need to be, with gifts to give, grace to extend and comfort to enjoy.

He Is Risen

It is a day to revel, ponder, grieve, embrace and celebrate that He Is Risen. Most of us connect this amazing verse to our faith life. Some may not have a faith base and wonder at the meaning. Even with a strong faith base we try to wrap our heads around it.

Rising is something bread does. It's something we do each morning God willing. It's a process from sitting to standing. It's stepping up to a challenge. It's what hope does. It lifts us from one place to another, spiritually, metaphorically. Rising is any forward movement towards engaging in life and the blessings it brings us.

It's not a holiday for those who've lost a loved one without a grief wave. The memory of those who gave up on life, who chose not to rise. Or who's illness, or other tragedy, took away their ability to rise. For days the loss may be somewhat in the shadows, only to rise into our hearts again on a holiday, anniversary or a random Tuesday for no specific reason. 

Does it mean we don't celebrate today, or any other day? Nope. We have equal measures of joy and sorrow. Well, hopefully equal measures. Sometimes it takes a while to get to that point. Balance is, if nothing else, subject to change. A goal, not a destination as we grow and change.

So may you rise today. May you grasp life with both hands and embrace it. May you grasp another's hand if your personal grip feels tenuous. Or if someone you know is faltering reach for theirs. May you ask for help when you need it, feeling no shame. May you hold fast knowing it may be hard, but you are not alone and definitely equal to the task.

May you rise as best you are able in faith, confidence and joy. He Is Risen, so we can too. 

Simple Pleasures

What do you like? What gives you joy? What does it take to feel all the feels of these things? Seems like an silly topic, right? Unless, somewhere in life it wasn't safe to feel your feelings. The sad ones, the happy ones, the painful ones, the scary ones. It's possible to go through life without feeling, exhausting, but possible. It's not possible to really live life without feeling. 

I made a list of things I wanted to do this week that give me joy. That made my heart smile, produced laughter and enhanced life in general. One might think making such a list would be easy. For some people no doubt it is. For others it would be impossible. For me, a challenge, but doable. Here is the tricky part, doing them and feeling them. 

I grew up worrying if there was going to be enough, would I be enough. Would I get it right. Imagine the emotional weight of feeling your worth is based on getting everything right? That's heavy right, and made it hard to feel.

I'm keeping my list simple. Pizza & a movie night. I rarely get carry out, so that part was a treat. Easy to accomplish, done and done. Next up, time with friends. Even better entertaining friends which gave me the chance to cook. Then having a friend cook for me. I love that too. Having the chance to walk dogs with my son was an unexpected bonus. Plus we explored a path I'd been wanted to take but hadn't because my sense of direction is under developed. That's the polite way to say never ask me for directions. It was a great hike with awesome company and I learned a new route. Planting pansies is on the list. Did that today. I do love pansies and it reminds me summer gardening is not far away. Writing is on my list, both in my blog (tada!) and in my journal. A random act of kindness is on the list. Trusting an random opportunity will present itself.

These are simple things, simple pleasures. I should not take them for granted and I need to feel all the feels. I have to consciously feel all the feels. Too often we go through the motions without feeling the emotions.

Therein lies a challenge for all of us. Maybe you're an expert at this, maybe you're a novice. Identify some simple pleasures, partake in them, be open to feeling them. You might just find yourself filled with gratitude, openly experiencing life and doing the happy dance. Go for it, feel it, celebrate it. 

The Good Stuff

I have a week off. For a person who isn't always comfortable with that much alone time, it's a challenge. Let me first say, I am more content and relaxed about time spent at home with just the dogs and I. I can honor what feels right and what doesn't. That also said, I tend to stick to a routine which could use some shaking up once in a while. I am a creature of habit. I'm wondering if too much routine is based on the world being a scary place and the need to feel safe in my little bubble.

I read a quote from the APA that stated "the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic-equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience". That stress does not completely go away, even as we get further out from it. Because of that I cling to what feels safe and struggle with reaching out to other life opportunities. I stick to the basics, have fear of the unknown, and neglect indulging in simple pleasures. Owning it is the first step.

The dogs are my entertainment, my daily source of companionship and physical touch. Plus, they love me unconditionally. They give me a safe place to invest myself in. In return, they are my everything and their needs come first. Their safety is paramount.

So my challenge this week is to step out of my routine and invite some joy, some small indulgences in my life. Part of the challenge is defining what that looks like, part is following through on them.

Of course I share this, because I figure if I struggle with something, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. Circumstances may be different, but the struggle is similar. See also, owning it is the first step. After owning it, let's challenge it's reality, expand it's horizons and trust we are growing just as we are meant to be. Let's move faith forward into expanding our little world. By baby steps, or by leaps and bounds. Finding some joy in the process, trusting we are safe, and opening our hearts to more of the good stuff.